Little Willie’s World by Neil Whitwam
Little Willie was a handsome little lad. His glossy blonde hair was always neatly trimmed and meticulously brushed. He had rosy, red cheeks and a set of beautiful white teeth which he brushed and flossed three times every day.
Willie did not bite his fingernails but kept them neatly clipped and filed. He showered every day, twice on Sundays. He was tall for his age. He had no pimples. Everyone always complemented him on his appearance.“Little Willie was an extraordinarily well-behaved child. Everyone adored Willie.”
Little Willie was an extraordinarily well-behaved child. Daily, he arrived at school neatly dressed, with his button-down shirt tucked into his belted dress pants.
He carefully sharpened his pencils at home before class to conserve time while in school. He consistently did his homework and made an A in all his classes except math. In math he made an A plus!
At church, Willie took notes as he listened intently to the sermons. He knew all the Bible stories by heart, and he never wriggled about.
One would think that the other children would have loathed Little Willie for being so good. Surprisingly, however, they did not. They idolized him.
Everyone adored Willie. Mom and Dad, try as they may, could find no fault in him. His teachers loved him. His pastor used him as a sermon illustration, as a model demonstrating how the other kids should behave.“At church, Willie took notes as he listened intently to the sermons. He knew all the Bible stories by heart, and he never wriggled about.”
The other kids agreed and wrote themselves notes to try to be more like Little Willie.
He was class president. He was voted both most popular, and most likely to succeed in life. The city named him Citizen of the Year. News outlets interviewed his family to find out how a child could be so very, very good.
One day, out of the blue, something outrageous happened! Something for which there was simply no earthly explanation. It involved Little Willie.
It shocked the community, setting on its heels the entire establishment. It shook to the core the local, state, and federal governments. It caused consternation at the highest levels of the state and national boards of education, and it forever changed the paradigm of science and education in the world as we know it!
“What happened?” the reader may ask – a legitimate question.
Mom belonged to the Ladies Geo-Political Ambassadors’ Association at the local Moose Lodge, and she had been planning a particularly scrumptious snack for the monthly social.
She had driven five miles to the Godiva shop at the mall, and bought a pound of their inconceivably delicious milk chocolate.“One day, out of the blue, something outrageous happened! Something for which there was simply no earthly explanation. It involved Little Willie.”
Returning home, she carefully chopped the special chocolate up into tiny pieces, and then incorporated the decadent little morsels into Aunt Gladys’s secret cookie recipe.
She baked the cookies at precisely three hundred-and fifty-degrees Fahrenheit for exactly seventeen minutes, until they were perfect: golden and crispy outside and soft and gooey inside.
Mom carefully set the cookies out on a cooling rack and re-counted them to make sure that her count was exact.
Thirteen perfect works of art – a baker’s dozen. She smiled lovingly at the cookies: twelve for the ladies at the social and one for her little man (Willie) when he was done with his homework.
During her labors, Little Willie had been sitting in the dining room practicing his long division. Mom told Willie that she needed to pop over to Walmart for a quick gallon of milk and would be right back.
The cookies were, she reminded him, for the ladies group. “Please don’t bother them as they cool, and if you are very good you may have one after dinner this evening.”“She walked into the kitchen and there were only nine cookies! What possibly could have happened?”
It was during the fifteen minutes that Mom was gone to Walmart that “The Event” occurred.
It was shocking, inexplicable, and quite possibly scandalous! When she pulled back into the driveway and opened the door, there was her precious Little Willie, still sitting at the dining room table doing long division.
She walked into the kitchen – and there were the cookies, sitting on the rack. They looked a little different somehow, she looked closer. One, two, three…she counted, seven, eight, nine….NINE! There were only nine cookies! What possibly could have happened?
Wailing, she rushed into the dining room. “Willie, did you see what happened to the cookies?” He looked up at her with his crystal-clear blue eyes opened wide. “No, Mother” he replied.“Four of the cookies (known henceforth as ‘The Four’) were gone. She dialed 911. There was obviously an intruder in the house.”
Mom noted with gratitude that Willie paled a bit in response to her anguish.
As a matter of fact, his normally perfect complexion looked a little green.
She also noted that there were some crumbs on his mouth (presumably left over from lunch).
He got to his feet, wiped his hands off on his pants, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hands.
Mom rushed over and gave him a big hug, grateful for the sweet response from her wonderful, wonderful little man.
While she hugged him, she noted that he even smelled a little bit like cookies. What was to be done? Obviously four of the cookies (known henceforth as “The Four”) were gone. She dialed 911. There was obviously an intruder in the house.
The 911 operator received a call from a semi-hysterical female caller (SHFC). Following is a copy of the official transcript of that call:
Operator: “911 operator, what is the nature of your emergency?”
SHFC: “The cookies, they are gone, gone! Someone must be in the house! I was only gone for 15 minutes! Milk! Walmart! Poor Willie didn’t see what happened!”
Operator: “Madam, please try to calm down. Who is Willie?”
SHFC: “Little Willie, my darling little boy! Cookies gone! Intruder!”
Operator: “Do you mean THE Little Willie? Are you telling me that Little Willie is in danger? Oh no! Oh boy, this is the big one! Ah…I’m sending the police, SWAT, and the equestrian search team. Poor Little Willie… IS HE OK?”
SHFC: “Well, he is a little pale.”
Operator: “I’m sending a rescue unit and ambulance! Please stay on the line with me until the police get there!”
The following is from the official journal of Chief Lock M. Upp, City PD:
In the unsolved case of “Willie and The Four” the emergency operator was advised by the semi-hysterical female caller of the situation, including the unusual nature of the cookies, the presence of Little Willie in the house, and the disappearance of the cookies under suspicious circumstances while she was gone for approximately fifteen minutes to Walmart. Four police units were dispatched code three to the dwelling with four additional units placed on standby in the immediate vicinity as backup. Emergency medical services were dispatched to provide care in the event that Willie (who is well known and respected by the local public services) should be in need of any comfort measures. It was documented by responders that the boy was in no acute distress but did have a poor appetite at dinner that night.
The police entered the residence, and according to standard policy and procedure conducted a room by room search with weapons drawn. When the residence was secure, they conducted a sweep of the yard, the immediate neighborhood, and then in ever expanding concentric circles for one mile. The city PD increased patrols in a five-mile radius for the next thirty days to watch for any suspicious activity. The chief detective investigated the incident and was forced to report inconclusive findings. His report advised that the boy, Little Willie, had no knowledge of the disposition of the cookies under investigation. This revelation, coupled with the fact that he was the only one at home at the time, mandated the conclusion that some unknown outside entity or force was responsible for the crime.
The FBI was called in to develop theoretical cookie abduction models and profiles of known and suspected local gluttons. NASA was consulted to determine if there was available any high-resolution satellite imagery of the neighborhood at the time in question.“Little Willie had no knowledge of the disposition of the cookies under investigation. This revelation, coupled with the fact that he was the only one at home at the time, mandated the conclusion that some unknown outside entity or force was responsible for the crime.”
A specialist in paranormal activity from the University of Yazoo City was flown in by private jet to investigate the possibility of ghostly cookie consumptive phenomena.
NCIS, the CIA, the NSA, the ATF, and the NY Times formed a specialized joint task force under direction of Homeland Security to investigate the issue. The president appointed a Cookie Czar.
Despite all these efforts, only two obvious and clear conclusions could be drawn. The first went without saying.
Willie, being who he was, was immediately ruled out as a suspect. The second was that if it was not Willie, it must have been something or somebody else. At that point the investigation was stymied.
The U.S. Senate held emergency hearings on the issue and earmarked five billion dollars to investigate the unprecedented phenomenon.
A special space mission was rushed through to add a cookie crumb filter to the Hubble Space Telescope in the hope of finding evidence of extraterrestrial baked goods.“Sadly, despite all the expended resources and effort, there was never a satisfactory explanation for the disappearance of ‘The Four.'”
Graduate students defended theses and doctoral dissertations on various aspects of “The Four.”
The Texas Board of Education held a press conference to discuss the pros and cons of adding “The disappearance of The Four” to the nation’s science and history curricula. Natural and supernatural phenomenon were systematically considered and rejected as possibilities.
Sadly, despite all the expended resources and effort, there was never a satisfactory explanation for the disappearance of “The Four.”
The efforts ran way over budget, as big enterprises undertaken with taxpayer dollars tend to, but the expense was merely labeled as an economic stimulus and lumped into the national debt where it was barely noticeable.
“The Four” have not been forgotten. Scientific exploration continues. The quest to answer the questions pertaining to their disappearance has been added to “The origins of the Universe,” and “The search for life on other planets” as a chief target of scientific inquiry and government expenditure.
Citizens may rest assured that their elected and appointed leadership, with unlimited funding and the finest of atheistic evolutionary theories, will eventually answer these questions in a typically expeditious and definitive manner.
“How often I have said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” Arthur Conan Doyle, The Sign of Four.
5) For this they willingly are ignorant of, that by the word of God the heavens were of old, and the earth standing out of the water and in the water:
6) Whereby the world that then was, being overflowed with water, perished:
7) But the heavens and the earth, which are now, by the same word are kept in store, reserved unto fire against the day of judgment and perdition of ungodly men.2 Peter 3:5-7 (KJV)
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